


A Day in the Life. (TMA/P5 Crossover)

by Gia_my_roommate, nb_ryuji



Category: Persona 5, Persona Series, The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Art Criticism, Crack, Crack Crossover, Crossover, Out of Character, no opossums were harmed in the making of this fic, ryuji does not swear, yosuke hanamura is mentioned in passing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:40:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24419008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gia_my_roommate/pseuds/Gia_my_roommate, https://archiveofourown.org/users/nb_ryuji/pseuds/nb_ryuji
Summary: What happens when a craaaaazy band of Japanese teens run over a distressed British archivist in their car-cat? Read on to find out! :)
Relationships: Niijima Makoto/Takamaki Ann
Kudos: 9





	A Day in the Life. (TMA/P5 Crossover)

**Author's Note:**

> "Every sentence you read just gets worse as it goes on" - an avid fan

It was a bright and beautiful morning, in Chicago, IL, USA, zip code 60611, where this story takes place. The Phantom Thieves, a rowdy group of Japanese teens, were driving around in the Great Chicago Woods. Weezer’s “Beverly Hills” blasted on Morgana’s flesh radio.

“Thank you, Morgana. For allowing us to stow passage in your tight little body :),” said Joker.

“No pwoblem, Jokah” replied the man-cat (in car form). 

“I’m so glad you brought these Doritos Branded Nacho Cheese Snacks, Futaba.” said Ryuji, in his normal outfit, sticking his head out of Morgana’s window like a majestic dog.

“No problemo, Rubyuji from the hit show RWBY. Now hand over the Baja Blast.” FUCKtaba replied.

“Can you guys shut the fuck up I’m trying to drive?” Makoto rumbled, trying to navigate through the lush flora.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Makoto. Just because you have a stick up your ass doesn’t mean anyone else has to. Fucking bitch.” said Ann, lovingly, as she reached over and gave her disgruntled wife a gentle stroke on the cheek.

“UNO!” said Yusuke, having just gotten Uno.

Haru threw up her hands. “Son of a fuck! You’ve done it again you painting bastard!” Yusuke smiled in victory :).

Goro Akechi was also there.

Suddenly, this joyous scene was interrupted by a foreign object passing under Morgana’s vulnerable underbelly. All the twinks and femmes hit their heads against the ceiling, but not Makoto. She is butch and did not hit her head. 

“WHOOPSIE DOOPSIE!!!!” bellowed Morgy.

“What the dink was that????” shouted Ryuji, rubbing his wounded boy head. 

“Don’t know, don’t care.” said Makoto. “I’m not stopping for some dirty opossum.” Goro Akechi made a little “aw…” noise in the back of his throat.  
Futaba sighed. “Makoto, if we don’t pull over we’re gonna end up with another lawsuit on our hands.”

“Fuck, you’re right.” 

“I ain’t going back to jail!” said Ryuji, remembering his time in the slammer, memorizing faces and taking names. And I’m all outta names, he thought to himself.

“Well, let’s get this shit over with.” Ann replied with considerable disdain. 

“ALRIGHT.” said Joker, grabbing the wheel from Makoto and crashing Morgana into the nearest Great Chicago Oak Tree.

All the Phantom Thieves clamored out of Morgy’s caboose. “Jokah, I have bwakes >:(“ whined the man-cat-car. The thieves ignored this and strutted over to the mysterious roadkill laying on the “road”. Morgana, returning to his horrible original form, leapt to the front of the group with considerable gusto considering he just crashed into a tree. 

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT???” screeched Ann.

“That’s not an opossum,” Goro Akechi replied. “I would know.”

“Holy shit, I think that’s a human man.” said Futaba, scanning him with her magic scanning device.

“So much for the lawsuit…” said Makoto.

Indeed, something that looked like it might once have been a human man laid dead(?) on the “road”. Ryuji walked up and poked it with a stick, “Holy beans, guys. I think this thing is like dead, for real.” But it wasn’t. Ryuji is a buffoon. The thing let out a pained groan.

“Ryuji, you’re a fucking buffoon. That thing just let out a pained groan!” said Ann, grabbing the hand of her loving wife. Cautiously, the band of Japanese teens approached. 

“Alright, guys. Let’s make this quick.” said Joker, breaking out the fake pistol. Suddenly, the thing jerked awake like a ragdoll but with bones, and opened far too many eyes to gawk at the twinks and femmes and man-boy-kar-kat and Makoto. 

“JESUS F*CK ON A STICK” shouted all the Thieves in unison, except for Ryuji, who hadn’t sworn in 32 days and said “Ah!”

The man-shaped object closed all but two of its mighty eyes, and let out an agonized little shout. “AH!” it said, clutching the remains of what were probably its legs. 

“Excuse me, do you speak Japanese?” asked Haru, politely to the object.

The thing sighed. “Unfortunately, yes. My eldritch patron won’t let me not have this conversation” replied the man(?), in an infuriatingly posh British accent.

“EW, IS THAT GUY BRITISH?” asked Ann.

“I didn’t ask to be born British. Everyone has flaws.” muttered the being that was seeming more and more man-like by the minute.

“What is your name, you delightful English man-beast?” asked the blue-haired twink, in his Matt Mercer voice.

The probably-man took a deep breath. “Well, I’m, uh, well, I’m Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London.”

“Wow, I understood four of those words!” smiled the spunky blonde fella.

“Jonathon Sims? You mean from the esteemed musical group, The Mechanisms?” asked Futaba.

“No? What? The Fuck?” replied Jonny-boy.

“What the fuck is a London” leered the scary looking, scadily-clad, underaged girl with horrible gloves and also a wife. 

“Where are your clothes?” pondered Jonathan Sims, head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, “and why did you think those gloves were acceptable?”

“Smh. I wish I knew. I was given this regalia by a higher power.”

“Ah. I understand completely,” the Archivist replied, gazing soberly at his numerous worm scars with his freaky glowing eyes. They made him look like a Vogue model with horrible disfigurement.

“I am terribly sorry that this outfit has been forced upon you, uh, against your will. I am...unfortunately familiar with being subject to the twisted whims of a nefarious being.”

“Wait, are you for real?!?” exclaimed the resident pirate-themed himbo. “My good friend Ann is under attack :0?”

“Yes, Ryuji “Skull” Sakamoto……...under attack by the Male Gaze,” the Archivist replied mournfully, his freaky eyes glowing softly. “Are you aware that the sexualization of minors in media is an epidemic that seriously affects the mental health of the young people who experience the aforementioned media?”

“Wow,” muttered Ann, “suddenly it makes a lot more sense why I am compelled to land ass up in the heat of battle.” She looked to the wily Brit with fire in her non-freaky eyes. “Hey you weird rat man, wanna help me kill God?” 

Jon took a moment to re-examine exactly how terrible this teenage girl’s outfit was. “Yes, I... think I would be amenable to that.” 

“Whoa, I had no idea!” Ryuji looked wistfully into Jon’s eyes. “I’ll be sure to be more critical of the media I consume. Making sure that women and minors are respected is my top priority! :D!”

“Well, now that that’s taken care of, are you like, good?” said Goro Akechi, pointing at the bloodied state of Jon’s trousers. 

“I’ll be fine,” muttered Jon, with a wistful look in his freaky glowing eyes, “as long as I can feast on someone’s deepest fears and most gruesome trauma.”

“Oh. We have plenty of that.” said Joker, the other thieves nodding in agreement. Haru shed a single tear.

'Hm. I don’t know if I should do my spooky eldritch bullshit on these pleasant Japanese teens,' thought Jon, 'but then again I am in so very much pain, and my bones are extremely unwell.' 

Jon was moments away from asking the motley crew which of them they would miss the least, when the sound of scuffling rang out from the woods. 

“OH SHIT WHAT NOW” whispered Ann.

“Hey everybody! It’s me, Teddie! Your beloved and marketable mascot from the hit game Persona 4!!!!!!” Everyone stared at the garishly colored, oblong, anthropomorphic bear. He was “naturally funny”, "a born leader," "beautiful," "extremely charismatic," and “unbelievably compelling”. He could have been described as "the greatest character ever written." Jon had never seen a more delicious meal. 

The bright daylight filtering through the trees of the Great Chicago Woods seemed to dim ominously, as the Archivist’s freaky glowing eyes intensified. “Hello, Teddie Persona 4,” he said in a deep voice rippling with static, “are you prepared to relive the terrible things you’ve done?”

“Nope! I sure hope no one forces me to relive my worst life experiences in a gruesome and inhumane manner!” smiled the lovable bear. 

“Namaste,” said Ann respectfully, as a tape recorder manifested out of oblivion and clicked on. 

“Statement of Teddie Persona 4, regarding his horrible crimes and the homophobia of his roommate, Yosuke Hanamura. Statement begins.”

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter Two coming soon! We just need to get done with shitty online classes!


End file.
